No Breathing In Class, also known as Strict, is a poem by Michael Rosen, from his book The Hypnotiser.
DISCLAIMER: This is a transcript for a video of Michael performing the poem/book, not a transcript from the actual poem/book itself.
We had a teacher who was so strict, you weren't allowed to breathe in her lessons. She used to stand out the front going, "No breathing!" And you had the whole morning to get through. [Takes deep breath and holds it, then exhales.]
The weak ones just used to keel over and die, you'd hear them going down behind you! Ka-boom! Ka-boom! Ka-boom! And there was always a whiny kid going, "Miss, can I go out and do some breathing?" and she'd say, "No, you've got all playtime to do it!" "And oh come on Miss, oh come on!" Did you know at the beginning of the week there were forty eight kids in my class, and at the end of the week there were only five of them left. Yeah, d'you know at the end of the day you'd be stepping over kids just to get out of the room. Oh no! There's Melanie! That's a shame, she was really nice! There's Dave. (chuckles) Hard luck Dave, always knew you were a bit weak. You know people say to me "If that's true, how come you're here to tell the tale?". Fair enough and I'll tell you. It's because, when I was at school, we used to sit at desks. We didn't sit around tables like you do now, we used to sit at desks, with lids. And some of us figured out, what you had to do... was snatch a quick breath under the desk lid when she wasn't looking. So once more from the beginning. "No breathing!" [Takes deep breath and holds] The weak ones, Ka-bum, ka-bum, ka-bum. The whiny ones, "Miss, can I go out and do some breathing?" "No, you've got all playtime to do it!" and "Oh, go on Miss, oh go on!" Us lot, [Holds breath, pretends to lift up desk lid, puts head underneath, pants a bit, takes head out, and slams desk shut]
Ahh! That was the mistake; slamming the desk lid down! If you made a noise with the desk, lid it was... "Out! School Prison!" There was a school prison underneath the school hall where they used to string you up from the wall bars. [Holds hands up, as if hanging to the wall by some chains] FWOP! "Miss, I've been up here for 3 weeks! And there's wats... and they're nibblin' my toenails!" So I figured it out, what you had to do was put your thumb 'round the edge of the desk lid, so when it went down, it didn't make any noise at all.
Once more, from the beginning. "No breathing!". [Takes deep breath and holds] The weak ones, Ka-bum, ka-bum, ka-bum. The whiny ones, "Miss, can I go out and do some breathing?" "No, you've got all playtime to do it!" and "Oh, go on Miss, oh go on!". These other kids, [Holds breath, pretends to lift up desk lid, puts head underneath, pants a bit, takes head out, slams desk shut] "Out! School Prison!". [Holds hands up, as if hanging to the wall by some chains] FWOP! "Miss, I've been up here for 3 weeks, and there's... rats! And there nibbling... my toenails, Miss!". Me , thumb 'round the edge of the desk, [Holds breath, pretends to lift up desk lid, puts head underneath, pants a bit, takes head out, puts thumb around the edge of the "desk" and closes it quietly] No noise at all. Survival!
When did I first start writing and it's it's a problem for me to think because when I was very young, I went to a school, where the teachers we're so strict, I never knew any of you had a strict teacher, but this is way back in the 1950s, and I had a teacher who was so strict, you weren't allowed to breathe in her lesson.
Now this is true story, this is yes you, weren't allowed to breathe in her
- Michael performed this poem at the Glastonbury Festival in 2014.
Use in YouTube Poops Edit
- No Breathing in Class is possibly one of the most popular of Michael Rosen's poems (by both Poopers and non-Poopers alike), as it seems to be one of the most quoted.
- No Breathing In Class is Michael Rosen's second most popular video on his channel, ranking at almost 6 and a half million views (behind Hot Food, at 12 million views and counting).
- It goes without saying that his teacher is obviously a psychopathic dictator, which possibly could have inspired Michael to do all his heinous acts against people in YouTube Poops.
- A famous word in the poem is "snatch," is slang for "vagina" so it's common for YouTube Poops to use them/ It is commonly used during or followed by something referencing something sexual. More often than not, video and audio effects will be added to distort the clip, whilst also referencing "snatch" as old and unpopular.
- If you have seen enough Poops, you will no doubt know every word of this poem by memory without actually watching the original video itself.
- Michael pretending to quietly close the desk is very often seen in Poops.
- YouTube Poopers like to use Michael's "survival" moment in their videos because Michael pokes a finger at the side of his head and makes a funny face.