"No Breathing In Class" redirects here. For other uses, see No Breathing In Class (disambiguation).
No Breathing In Class, also known as Strict, is a poem by Michael Rosen, from his book The Hypnotiser.
Premise[]
Michael tells of a psychopathic teacher at his school who didn't allow her pupils to breathe because she was so strict.
Transcript[]
STRICT
Maybe you think you have a teacher
who's really strict
maybe you know a really strict teacher.
But when I was at school
we had a teacher who was so strict
you weren't allowed to breathe in her lessons.
That's true. We weren't allowed to breathe.
It was really hard to get through
a whole day without breathing.
Lips tightly shut.
Face going red.
Eyeballs popping out.
She'd go round the class glaring at us
and then she'd suddenly catch sight of one of us
and she'd yell
NO BREATHING. DO YOU HEAR ME? NO BREATHING.
And you had to stop breathing right away.
The naughty ones used to try and take quick secret breaths
under the table.
They'd duck down where she couldn't see them
snatch a quick breath and come back up
with their mouth shut tight.
Then someone would say,
"Excuse me, miss, can I go outside and do some breathing?"
And she'd say
"WHAT? CAN'T YOU WAIT? YOU'VE HAD ALL PLAYTIME TO BREATHE, HAVEN'T YOU?"
And then she'd ask someone a question
like, "Where's Tibet?"
and someone'd put their hand and say
"Er... it's--"
and she'd be right in there with:
"YOU'RE BREATHING! I SAW YOU BREATHE"
"I wasn't, miss, really I wasn't."
"WELL, YOU ARE NOW, AREN'T YOU?"
It was terrible.
She was so strict...
Maybe you think you have a
teacher
who's really strict,
maybe you know a really strict
teacher.
But when I was at school
we had a teacher who was so strict
you weren't allowed to breathe in
her lessons.
That's true, we weren't allowed to
breathe.
It was really hard to get through
a whole day without breathing.
Lips tightly shut.
Face going red.
Eyeballs popping out.
She'd go round the class glaring at us
and then she'd suddenly catch sight of
one of us and she'd yell,
'NO BREATHING, DO YOU
HEAR ME? NO BREATHING.'
And you had to stop breathing
right away.
The naughty ones used to try and
take quick secret breaths
under the table.
They'd duck down where she
couldn't see them
snatch a quick breath and come
back up
with their mouth shut tight.
Then someone would say,
"Excuse me, miss, can I go outside
and do some breathing?"
And she'd say,
'WHAT? CAN'T YOU WAIT?
YOU'VE HAD ALL PLAYTIME
TO BREATHE, HAVEN'T YOU?'
And then she'd ask someone a
question
like, 'Where's Tibet?'
and someone'd put their hand
and say, 'Er... it's —'
and she'd be right in there with:
'YOU'RE BREATHING. I SAW YOU BREATHE.'
'I wasn't, miss, really I wasn't.'
"WELL YOU ARE NOW, AREN'T YOU?"
It was terrible.
She was so strict...
Strict.
We had a teacher who was so strict, you weren't allowed to breathe in her lessons. She used to stand out the front going, "No breathing!" And you had the whole morning to get through. [Takes deep breath and holds it, then exhales.]
The weak ones just used to keel over and die, you'd hear them going down behind you! Ka-boom! Ka-boom! Ka-boom! And there was always a whiny kid going, "Miss, can I go out and do some breathing?" and she'd say, "No, you've got all playtime to do it!" "And oh come on Miss, oh come on!" Did you know at the beginning of the week there were forty eight kids in my class, and at the end of the week there were only five of them left. Yeah, d'you know at the end of the day you'd be stepping over kids just to get out of the room. Oh no! There's Melanie! That's a shame, she was really nice! There's Dave. (chuckles) Hard luck Dave, always knew you were a bit weak. You know people say to me "If that's true, how come you're here to tell the tale?". Fair enough and I'll tell you. It's because, when I was at school, we used to sit at desks. We didn't sit around tables like you do now, we used to sit at desks, with lids. And some of us figured out, what you had to do... was snatch a quick breath under the desk lid when she wasn't looking. So once more from the beginning. "No breathing!" [Takes deep breath and holds] The weak ones, Ka-bum, ka-bum, ka-bum. The whiny ones, "Miss, can I go out and do some breathing?" "No, you've got all playtime to do it!" and "Oh, go on Miss, oh go on!" Us lot, [Holds breath, pretends to lift up desk lid, puts head underneath, pants a bit, takes head out, and slams desk shut]
Ahh! That was a mistake; slamming the desk lid down! If you made a noise with the desk lid, it was... "Out! School Prison!" There was a school prison underneath the school hall where they used to string you up from the wall bars. [Holds hands up, as if hanging to the wall by some chains] FWOP! "Miss, I've been up here for 3 weeks! And there's rats... and they're nibblin' my toenails!" So I figured it out, what you had to do was put your thumb 'round the edge of the desk lid, so when it went down, it didn't make any noise at all.
Once more, from the beginning. "No breathing!". [Takes deep breath and holds] The weak ones, Ka-bum, ka-bum, ka-bum. The whiny ones, "Miss, can I go out and do some breathing?" "No, you've got all playtime to do it!" and "Oh, go on Miss, oh go on!". These other kids, [Holds breath, pretends to lift up desk lid, puts head underneath, pants a bit, takes head out, slams desk shut] "Out! School Prison!". [Holds hands up, as if hanging to the wall by some chains] FWOP! "Miss, I've been up here for 3 weeks, and there's... rats! And they're nibbling... my toenails, Miss!". Me , thumb 'round the edge of the desk, [Holds breath, pretends to lift up desk lid, puts head underneath, pants a bit, takes head out, puts thumb around the edge of the "desk" and closes it quietly] No noise at all. Survival!
Note: Parts in italic are the audience saying.
When did I first start writing and it's-it's a problem for me to think because when I was very young, I went to a school, where the teachers were so strict, I never knew any of you had a strict teacher, but this is way back in the 1950s, and I had a teacher who was so strict, you weren't allowed to breathe in her lessons.
Now this is a true story, this is, Yes. You weren't allowed to breathe in her lessons.
She used to stand out the front and say "No breathing!", Can you say that? 1, 2, 3,
No breathing!
Exactly it was that bad! Now, of course if you're not breathing, You have to do something like this which you can also do! Here we go! (Michael stops breathing) OK, you've just try that! (Everyone stops breathing) And you've got to get all the way through from the time you first come in, 'till morning play, without breathing! See? So here we go. Are you ready? Here we go. 1, 2, 3, (Everyone stops breathing) And the weak ones just used to keel over and die! (people laughing) You'd hear them going down on the back of the class! Kaboom! (thrice) And there was always a whiny kid going "Miss! Can I go out and do some breathing?" and she'd say "NO! You've got all playtime to do it!" "Oh, C'mon, Miss! Oh, C'mon!" "NO!!!" D'you know, at the beginning of the week, there were 48 children in my class! And at the end of the week, There was only 5 of us left! At the end of the day, you'd be stepping over dead kids just to get outta room! Oh no! There's Melanie! That's a shame, she was really nice! (inaudible) I know I used to call her. There's Dave. Yeah! Hard luck Dave, (people laughing) always knew you were a bit weak, Dave. Yeah. So some of us figured it out! That if we wanted to "survive", (twice) The way to do it was to snatch a quick breath under the desk lid when she wasn't looking. Some of you younger ones weren't know. But there were these things called "desks"! With lids! (puts hands up) Yeah, like that. So some of us figured out, that's all you had to do was lift the lid and, (breathes under desk lid) and put the lid down. So once more from the beginning that you know how it goes like this. She says:
Michael and the audience: No breathing!
The weak ones, with me. Ka-bum, with me.
Michael and the audience: Ka-bum, ka-bum, ka-bum.
The whiny kid, "Miss, can I go and do some breathing?" "No, you've got all playtime to do it in!" "Oh, go on Miss, oh go on!" "NO!" As on, with the desk lids. Are you ready? Here we go, hold the breath. (holds breath, pretends to lift up desk lid, puts head underneath, pants a bit, takes head out, and slams desk shut) Boom! Don't slam the desk lid down if you slammed you desk lid down and, "Out! School prison!" there was a school prison underneath the school hall where they used to string us up from the wall bars. Y'know sometimes in old schools you know that's what it was for like this one. (holds hands up, as if hanging to the wall by some chains) FWOP! "Miss, I've been up here for 3 weeks, and there's rats! And they're nibbling my toenails, Miss!" So I figured out if you want to "survive", (twice) the way to do it was to let the desk lid down, really really slowly once more, from the beginnning we've got it all together, now we know how it goes. She says:
Michael and the audience: No breathing!
The weak ones.
Michael and the audience: Ka-bum, ka-bum, ka-bum.
The whiny kid, "Miss, can I go and do some breathing?" "No, you've got all playtime to do it in!" More which in "Oh, go on Miss, oh go on!" "NO!" The other kids hold their breath. (holds breath, pretends to lift up desk lid, puts head underneath, pants a bit, takes head out, and slams desk shut) Boom! "Out! School prison!" FWOP! "Miss, I've been up here for..."
3 weeks!
"And there's..." (close-up of Michael's stomach)
Rats!
"And they're nibbling my..."
Toenails!
Me. (holds breath, pretends to lift up desk lid, puts head underneath, pants a bit, takes head out, and slams desk shut) And, that was the way to... (thrice)
Survive! (thrice)
Thank you very much! You're good, you're very good. (applause)Trivia[]
- Michael performed this poem at the Glastonbury Festival in 2014.
- The 2008 version of this video is the second most popular video on the channel, with over 8.3 million views as of March 2020.
- According to a live stream, Michael said that this was a made-up story. It was inspired by an actual strict teacher that he had who never had a rule not to breathe.
Use in YouTube Poops[]
- No Breathing in Class is possibly one of the most popular of Michael Rosen's poems (by both Poopers and non-Poopers alike), as it seems to be one of the most quoted.
- A famous word in the poem, "snatch," is a slang for "vagina," so it's common for YouTube Poops to use them/It is commonly used during or followed by something referencing something sexual. More often than not, video and audio effects will be added to distort the clip, highlighting "snatch" as an overused joke. It has also been used to make Michael say “snack”.
- Michael pretending to quietly close the desk is very often seen in Poops to indicate some sort of physical action. Most iconically, it is used as CaptainPlums' introduction to his videos.
- YouTube Poopers like to use Michael's "survival" moment in their videos because Michael pokes a finger at the side of his head and makes a funny face.
- The ka-boom! sounds are used often in YTPs to indicate some sort of physical impact (e.g. hitting something, a bomb exploding)
- Many percussive sounds from Michael's performance are used as percussion in YTPMVs: The ka-boom! sounds of kids dying, the first time Michael slams the desk lid down, and the FWOP! sound when he is strung up from the wallbars.
- The tonal nature of many of Michael's sound effects in this video make them pitch-shiftable and usable as melodic instruments in YTPs. Namely, the whiny kid complaining about breathing and Michael yelling "OUT!" are often used as leads, while Michael saying "Ahh!" and touching the sides of his head is used often used as a higher soprano voice.
- Michael being strung up from the wall bars has been used to indicate him being captured, surprised or scared.
- Michael panting is occasionally used in YTPs when the context allows for it.
- Michael saying "No!" is used often in YTPs, the other somewhat more popular alternative being the "No!" from London Airport in which Michael comes across as more defiant and less commanding.
- Michael holding his breath for the first time is used sometimes in YouTube Poops because of how ridiculous he looks, however it is often difficult to fit into the video and generally requires some sort of relation to a storyline.
- Michael saying "Keel over and die" is used very often in YouTube Poops as many involve characters directly threatening each other's lives. It is arguably the most iconic words taken from this video for Poopers.
- In MechaWeegee91's 12th installment of "Link and the Hyrule Gang", King Harkinian references the story by interrupting Zelda's advice to Link, leaving Link confused.
Gallery[]
Videos[]
No Breathing In Class
2008 Version
Michael Rosen -2 - No Breathing
2014 Version